Unconditional Parenting Review

This book has a point, and it definitely did open up my mind. I always thought that I wouldn’t want to use spanking as punishment on my child, but I thought that time-out is a good idea, and that lots of praising is good for self esteem. Oh boy this book sure changed my view. It is true, even the gentle method of time-out and using praise is really just tactics that we parents use in trying to manipulate our children into good behavior. We withhold our love from them when they behave in ways we don’t approve, meaning we only conditionally love them (at least it appears to them in behavior), so how are they going to know they can still come to us and count on our support in the future when they are in trouble. We praise and reward them excessively when they do act according to how we want and we turn the act into solely something to please mom and dad and instead of something that is rewarding in itself, so how are we going to expect them to do good on their own once we are not around to praise them. I definitely want my child to not behave badly, but I want her to do it for the right reasons, because of empathy and knowing the harmful effect on others from their behavior, not because there is a punishment. I also want her to do good and love learning and strive for higher achievement out of the reason that it is enjoyable and rewarding to herself and not just to please others including me. I know this is definitely a method that we are not use to, but it is definitely something that I want to try to achieve for my daughter.

Reading the book has really got me to start thinking, and I start to realize the horrible effect that traditional parenting has on me. I have memories of how it felt being a child and receiving the traditional punishments, threats, praises, and rewards, etc. I remember that the threats and sarcasms never motivated me, and my gut feeling will keep on telling me to do the opposite just to prove a point, but then the fear of punishment usually stops me from rebelling my parents physically, but doesn't stop the hate inside. I remember that those direct praise, good girl, and you are such an obedient kid, never felt good. Couldn't quite figure out why as a kid, but now I know why. Why would anyone want to get that kind of praise anyway? I know how I will feel if my boss says good girl to me, I will feel like a pet, it is not even a positive attribute. Anyway, but these are just memories, and how it didn't work effectively on me as a child, even though I was extremely obedient and well behaved. But now, I am realizing the effect it has on me today. Not saying this to blame my shortcomings on my parents, I wouldn't know how to unconditionally parent if I haven't been introduced to it either, but I do feel it is related. I feel like I have no passion for a lot of things, I am still desperately trying to figure out what I am passionate about, either it is for career or just for hobby, which I have none (although this is improving now since I am studying more and being passionate about my daughter’s upbringing). I picked a major in college just because it was a well respected and money earning career choice, and because that is what my parents expected me to. Maybe all that reward and punishment system just robbed me of all my natural passion. I read books only if it is required for a test during school age and now only if I feel it is practical, I never developed the natural love for reading, so forget those novels. I also admit I lack the general consideration for others, I have dificulty "reading people", which is a skill that is vital in society. I am working hard on improving myself, and it has gotten better as I open up my mind more. But just thought I would want to share my story for others to also see that traditional parenting does have long term effects. If I didn't learn about the AP way, I would have never realized this also. I would just be saying, I grew up this way and I turned out fine.


http://www.alfiekohn.org/parenting/gj.htm