Unconditional Parenting Review

This book has a point, and it definitely did open up my mind. I always thought that I wouldn’t want to use spanking as punishment on my child, but I thought that time-out is a good idea, and that lots of praising is good for self esteem. Oh boy this book sure changed my view. It is true, even the gentle method of time-out and using praise is really just tactics that we parents use in trying to manipulate our children into good behavior. We withhold our love from them when they behave in ways we don’t approve, meaning we only conditionally love them (at least it appears to them in behavior), so how are they going to know they can still come to us and count on our support in the future when they are in trouble. We praise and reward them excessively when they do act according to how we want and we turn the act into solely something to please mom and dad and instead of something that is rewarding in itself, so how are we going to expect them to do good on their own once we are not around to praise them. I definitely want my child to not behave badly, but I want her to do it for the right reasons, because of empathy and knowing the harmful effect on others from their behavior, not because there is a punishment. I also want her to do good and love learning and strive for higher achievement out of the reason that it is enjoyable and rewarding to herself and not just to please others including me. I know this is definitely a method that we are not use to, but it is definitely something that I want to try to achieve for my daughter.

Reading the book has really got me to start thinking, and I start to realize the horrible effect that traditional parenting has on me. I have memories of how it felt being a child and receiving the traditional punishments, threats, praises, and rewards, etc. I remember that the threats and sarcasms never motivated me, and my gut feeling will keep on telling me to do the opposite just to prove a point, but then the fear of punishment usually stops me from rebelling my parents physically, but doesn't stop the hate inside. I remember that those direct praise, good girl, and you are such an obedient kid, never felt good. Couldn't quite figure out why as a kid, but now I know why. Why would anyone want to get that kind of praise anyway? I know how I will feel if my boss says good girl to me, I will feel like a pet, it is not even a positive attribute. Anyway, but these are just memories, and how it didn't work effectively on me as a child, even though I was extremely obedient and well behaved. But now, I am realizing the effect it has on me today. Not saying this to blame my shortcomings on my parents, I wouldn't know how to unconditionally parent if I haven't been introduced to it either, but I do feel it is related. I feel like I have no passion for a lot of things, I am still desperately trying to figure out what I am passionate about, either it is for career or just for hobby, which I have none (although this is improving now since I am studying more and being passionate about my daughter’s upbringing). I picked a major in college just because it was a well respected and money earning career choice, and because that is what my parents expected me to. Maybe all that reward and punishment system just robbed me of all my natural passion. I read books only if it is required for a test during school age and now only if I feel it is practical, I never developed the natural love for reading, so forget those novels. I also admit I lack the general consideration for others, I have dificulty "reading people", which is a skill that is vital in society. I am working hard on improving myself, and it has gotten better as I open up my mind more. But just thought I would want to share my story for others to also see that traditional parenting does have long term effects. If I didn't learn about the AP way, I would have never realized this also. I would just be saying, I grew up this way and I turned out fine.


http://www.alfiekohn.org/parenting/gj.htm

Banana Peel to Remove Splinters

Letting my daughter go barefoot outdoors sometimes means getting a splinter on the bottom of her feet. It didn't bother her at all, as a matter of fact I didn't even notice it was a splinter until many days have past. I just thought it was a tiny red bump, maybe a cut or a rash, but then it just didn't go away. As I look closer, I see this tiny tiny black dot in the middle, and sure enough, a splinter. Trying to squeeze it or use a tweezer did absolutely nothing, and plus my daughter's constant kicking and fighting me and my husband, worried and telling me to stop it doesn't help either. Out of frustration I looked for other methods online, then I came across a comment about putting a banana peel on top of it overnight. At first I thought this is the most stupid thing to do, but I figure, what harm can it do, plus I am kind of out of options, so I gave it a try. The very next day, I notice the splinter does look like it is more to the surface, and so I gave it another night, the next day I was able to use a tweezer and take it out. Who knew. Apparently banana peel has some kind of enzyme that promotes healing, and it will encourage the skin to heal and push out the splinter. Now, healing property means that it will also do a lot of other things besides just splinters. I found online that banana peel can be used to treat warts, cuts, bug bites, bruises, rashes, acne, and even wrinkle reduction, now I got to try that one and see if it is true, my husband just might see me cover my face in banana peels one day.

My Daughter’s Gymboree Experience—Is Socialization Overrated in Toddlers?

Being a stay at home mom with my first and only so far makes me worry about the lack of interaction with kids for my daughter. I bring her to libraries and parks, even though she is not yet at an age to play with other kids, but I figure socialization is important, right? I see my friends signing up for Gymboree classes a long time ago, but I really didn’t want to spend the money when my daughter was so young. But now, she is reaching the mobile age, and I thought I would give it a try. I signed up for one of the free class and took her in. She was in shock the moment I arrived, she is usually wary of new environment and does take about 20 minutes of observation before she will make any moves, so during this time, I just let her cling on me for dear life. I see all the other kids laughing and running around, having a good time. Then the instructor rings her bell for a start of a new activity. She explains to us how the first activity is to lead the kids up the wedge to a bridge and drop a ball into the bucket. Well, that bell and all the loud music was a little too much going on for my daughter, so she was not quite ready to let go of me yet, so I respected that and let her continue to hang onto me. Slowly she start to let go of me and started to play with the balls she sees on the side, but is no way near letting me push her to do anything, hmm… as a matter of fact, I was never able to push her to do anything in her whole life so far, so I soon realize there is no way I can participate in any of the activities. The bell continues to ring for more different activities, but my daughter was solely interested in exploring on her own. That went on for the whole class, occasionally a kid would come over and want to grab the balls my daughter is holding, but the parent soon come in to stop them. Other than that, there is not much kid or adult socialization going on; all are busy running after their kids. After the class ended, it was hard for me to tell whether or not it was good, my daughter didn’t seem to like it that much, but it was only her first day, so I decided with the first month discount, I might as well try it for a month.

The very next day, there is open gym, I decided to take her in again to see if she will enjoy it more this time, I mean this is like a park right? But strangely she is still very unwilling to come down and play, even though she usually cheers at the sight of parks. Therefore, I lead her directly to the bucket of balls, she is willing to come down and play that, but throughout the majority of the time it is still the same. Except now there are more kids and the parents are not necessarily completely focusing on them. Many would come and attempt to grab the balls from my daughter. My daughter was able to keep her hands on the ones she is holding. One kid sneakily followed her until she bounces the ball on the floor and quickly snatches it, my daughter went after the kid to grab it back but was unable to until that kid lost interest in the ball. Then a maybe 2 year old went around the room and used his hand and wacked three kids, one including my daughter. It was not a hard hit, but I find myself dumb found and not knowing how I should react, I looked around for the parent and I see the mom, busy with a younger baby, no way of being able to notice what her son is doing. This really got me started to think about the value of socialization in daycare or preschool. Is it over rated? Is it really something I want? This is what I feel like my daughter might learn from this big group of kids of similar age in a small room, how to hold on tight to your toys or how to yank it from others and how to hit other kids or get hit by other kids. Do they really learn how to interact nicely with others by being in an environment like this? Something irks me about this concept. I know when my daughter is placed with nice and mature kids or people, she will model from their behavior; I really worry if all she sees is fighting for toys then what will she learn? Will she lose her trust in kids and be more unwilling to share?
Update: Since I signed up for the first month, I decided to go to yet another open gym time, but this time there was a lot less people. With a smaller group of crowd, and third visit, my daughter is able to relax and explore around. The smaller crowd has definitely made resources more available to all the kids. I guess this is the importance of small classes.

How I Cared for My Baby's Bone Development

Okay, so I am all for proper development of my baby's bones, considering my husband and I both suffer from quite a lot of back pains, I really don't want her to go through the same. We go often to chiropractors, but I am still a little concerned about taking my daughter to one yet, even though I really want to, maybe when she is just a bit older. I follow all things natural with her development, ever since my daughter was born I researched and decided to not use walkers, any crotch hanging carriers or jumpy seats as I heard they might not be good for the developing spine and pelvis. I didn't even get a Bumbo seat for her to sit up, and I never even held her hand to assist her to walk. My theory is, if you can't do it by yourself, then you are probably not ready for it yet, and it can't be good if I force you to. That, and plus I really wasn't in a rush for my baby to walk. On the side note, did you know that the crawling motion is actually more stimulating to the brain than walking? Crawling is actually an important part of brain development, so it is actually better for you to encourage your early walker that skipped crawling to do more crawling. Well, anyway, and when it came to footwear I follow the advice that barefoot is the best for babies to crawl and learn how to walk. But the down side of this is I tend a lot of comments and dirty looks about how I am not letting my baby wear socks in winter, and now about not wearing shoes when walking. Now that my daughter is walking outside more and more, I went and bought those soft sole baby shoes from Target, they are kind of like leather socks, and I intend to keep her in soft sole shoes as long as possible, I might even get her one of those FiveFingers shoes with us when she gets to that size. I really hope that by following nature that my daughter will never have to worry about back pains in her life.

Watermelon Cured My Edema (Swollen Feet) During Pregnancy

Talking with my pregnant cousin recently and she mentioned about her swollen feet. This reminded me of the couple times that I had swollen feet during late pregnancy and brought back some memories about how I treated it. I heard swollen feet or edema during pregnancy is from excessive fluids accumulating in your extremities, and counter intuitively it means you should drink more water. Apparently when your body lacks water it tends to reserve more of it as back up. So when one day in my third trimester when I notice my ankle had disappeared, I started all the things I heard about to treat it. I started drinking more water, and that made me peed more than what I already am. I slept on my left side, I kept my feet raised often, cut out salty food, but the truth is it didn't really do much. Then I read about how watermelon will help. Watermelon is high in water content, vitamin C, B, folic acid, and beta carotene. This makes watermelon a natural diuretic and will help to flush toxins and excessive water out of your body. I love to drink watermelon juice, so the first thing next day, I bought a watermelon and blended it into juice and started slurping on it. And miraculously by night time, I can already see my ankle bone again, yes, it worked that fast. So every time after that, if I see any sign of edema, I immediately start my watermelon juice and I would not see swelling at all. If you are suffering from swollen feet from pregnancy, listen to me and don't suffer a day longer, go get watermelon, it works and it works fast.

Between Parent and Child Review

I love this book! I am a very practical person, so I tend to like books that are straight to the point, have directions, and examples. Between Parent and Child is exactly like this. This book was written a while back, but definitely a classic that has withstood the test of time. Because it is base on one very important principle, “respect.” This was the first parenting book I read. When I first read the book, I definitely had doubts about it, won’t children run wild then? But then I reflected on my own childhood, my mom and dad pretty much did every single thing the book tells you not to, and I remember how I felt and how it affected me to today, which is definitely not good. The book teaches you very valuable social skills that I believe you can use beyond just with children.

I personally like to compare parent and child relationship with manager and worker relationship. I see a good parent like a good manager. Think about how you want to be treated by your manager at work. You want to be valued and be heard, doing work that you feel meaningful and contributing and involved, you want to be motivated, you want to be treated with respect. You don’t want a manager that is his/her way or the high way, but you don’t want a manager that is like your equal and can’t provide you guidance either. And to be a good manager/parent, definitely requires some skill, and this book helps you see this.

My favorite example in the book is when the author gives a group of women a scenario of a bad morning and a wife ended up accidentally burning a breakfast toast. The author asked them how they will feel and respond if the husband had criticized them for the burned toast. The group responded that they would not be happy and their whole day would be ruined. The author then asked if the husband sympathized with them how will they feel. The group responded that they would be so happy that they would give the husband a kiss. And finally the author asked how they would feel if the husband had say “here honey, let me show you how to properly make toast.” The group got the point, and realized that this is even worse than the first response, and that they would be furious. We as adults often use the third response with children thinking we are helping them, but with this example, we can see how unhelpful that really is.

Fluoride and Abrasives in Toothpastes

My daughter went to her first dental check-up today, fortunately no cavities. The dentist was going to put some fluoride on her teeth, but I refused that for now, I don't feel quite easy about putting fluoride on her teeth yet. This got me started to research about toothpaste that I am suppose to introduce at age 2. From my research online, it seems like there is definitely benefit of fluoride in preventing cavities, however, there is so much controversy around it, from fluorisis from too much flouride in childhood to cancer causing in adults . I have heard about using xylitol instead, however, there seems to be no information that says it can completely replace fluoride. The only study I can find says that xylitol with fluoride works better than fluoride alone. Seems like there is no study that see if only xylitol will be sufficient. I will probably start my daughter off with a fluoride free toothpaste regardless, since kids tend to swallow toothpastes, but I am definitely undecided about fluoride for us adults. However, through my search, I found another issue with toothpastes, seems like the abrasives like sodium lauryl sulfate used in some toothpaste can be too abrasive and actually take off too much of your enamel and cause sensitive teeth or yellowing of your teeth, yikes! I have sensitive teeth, and now I wonder if that was caused by Colgate Total with all that whitening and tartar control thing going on, which by the way studies seem to say it doesn't really work. The purpose of toothpaste is mainly to put fluoride on to prevent cavities and to take away plague with abrasives. Fluoride has controversy, and a study I read compared brushing without toothpaste to with, and brushing without toothpaste actually removed more plague than with. I plan on using Spry xylitol tooth gel on my daughter as a first toothpaste, since it is fluoride free and abrasive free and have natural ingredients. Now, I am wondering if us adults should be using that instead too. However, I am so scared that my speculation is wrong and I will ended up ruining my already lousy teeth. I probably will first switch to a low abrasive fluoride toothpaste with xylitol, looks like Tom's of Maine has a line for sensitive teeth that is low abrasive and SLS free.

My Journey on Baby Led Weaning

Before I learned about BLW, my husband and I were so ready to start making healthy puree baby food, we got a set of Magic Bullet; and while also trying to avoid plastic I bought silicon bowls and spoons.  Soon after I learned about BLW, went ahead and got the one and only book by Gill Rapley, and I decided this is the best thing to do for my baby, and also the laziest way for me the parent. I quickly returned the Magic Bullet and was ready for my adventure. My husband was super excited about BLW, he has always had the image of a cute baby eating real food and making a mess. When my daughter hit 6 months we started her first foods with boiled broccoli, carrot, and chicken, and also supplemented her with chlorella. She ate a little bit, but played with it more. I was not worried since I have no plans to wean at certain time, nurse on demand, and solids under one is just for fun anyway. In the beginning, she tries to eat and play with the food a lot, it was a messy deal.

But after few months, she grew tired of this game. It has never connected to her that food is for eating and can fill her up, if she is hungry she will cry for the breast, but if she just nursed, then she will not eat at all. But then there will be those days, though not enough of them, that she will pick up food and eat again. She has gotten neater though, food no longer is all over her face and floor, and she probably ingested maybe a teaspoon at most the whole day. It is very discouraging when you have a baby that doesn’t respond to food well when you see all other people’s babies just can’t get enough of it. When you read about BLW, they always tell you about the success stories of how their babies learned to eat quicker, developed better fine motor skills, and how other parents envy them. None of that happened with my daughter, as a matter of fact, I looked like a horrible parent most of the time with BLW. “How is that enough?  She needs more nutrient than breast milk? You need to feed her.” Which by the way though, she has never shown any sign of lacking nutrient at the doctors, growing well physically and reaching developmental milestones. “She is going to choke!” My daughter also happens to be a strong gagger, so she often gagged and vomited when BLWing, which doesn’t help in trying to convince others either. Soon, she started to refuse sitting in the high chair, I resorted to putting a snack tray out for her and not force her to sit during meal time, this does mean messy food everywhere, but at this point, I am willing to do anything that will make her eat something. The food most of the time just goes to waste. At her age now, I start to worry what if she has some kind of oral aversion, what if she has some kind of digestive issues that I don’t know about.

But now for some good news, one day at 16 months, I was eating some lasagna leftover from Olive Garden, my daughter climbed up the couch next to me and grabbed my fork, she shoved a tiny bite into her mouth. Afterwards, she kept on signing for more, and wanted me to feed her more. I didn’t have a lot of leftover left at that point, but she finished it all for me, I was shocked. Then the next few days she would come to me whenever I am eating dinner and want me to feed her, she would not grab the whole pieces of food I leave her, but wants what is on my spoon. I thought, maybe she wants to use utensil, but even after I give her a set, she still goes after mine and wants me to do the work for her. Happy that she is finally starting to eat, but also frustrated how she wants to be fed instead. Her food intake is roughly one tablespoon for the whole day at that point. Fast forward to today, she will grab onto some fruits and self feed while roaming around, she still wants me to do the feeding work for her, but is not blindly letting me feed her, she will actually let me know which food that she wants from my plate and ask to be fed that particular food. I am estimating her intake has increased to about 3 tablespoon for the whole day now, with most of the food eaten during the evening. But there are still days that she will eat nothing. She still nurses like a newborn, but at least now I know nothing is physically wrong with her, and I just need to continue offering until she slowly eats more. But one thing I am proud of myself for, is that I have always offered her healthy food and no processed sugar. My daughter has a pretty healthy taste bud so far, the couple times that she got her hands on sugary junk from friends, she either didn’t eat it at all, or tasted it and spat it out. So far I have convinced no one that BLW is a good approach, but I believe that even though some babies take longer to start eating, overall it is a good approach that leads to healthy eating. I will just have to wait even longer to see if it is true.

Introducing Solids and Allergies

When my daughter was 5 months old, I started researching about introducing solids and allergy. As a first time parent scared of what if my child will have an allergic reaction, I have only heard about not introducing solids until 6 months and that to use the four day rule for each food. But the more I researched the more confused I became. First I see information about peanut, some information are so extreme that they would suggest you to avoid peanuts during pregnancy and breastfeeding and to not introduce it to your child until age 3 at least. But then there are information saying that in cultures that eat peanuts a lot, there is hardly any peanut allergy, and these cultures also often use peanuts as one of the first foods. Then there are information saying that early introduction of peanuts prevents peanut allergy. Well, anyway, too late for that for me. I ate peanut butter like normal during pregnancy, and right after my daughter was born I started eating peanuts in soup, a common post-partum Chinese recipe to bring in your milk. I figure it is true that we hardly hear about peanut allergies in the Chinese community. Next thing is I see a study that says introducing cow’s milk in formula to your baby during the first 15 days of life prevents against developing cow’s milk protein allergy. Hmm… again, an information too late to know, but my daughter probably did drank about 2 ounces of formula total during the first 15 days of life, due to some early breastfeeding issues, who knows if that did her good or harm. Then I see the study about introducing grains before 6 months of age prevented wheat allergies. Then there is information about how humans should really delay grain because we don’t develop the proper enzyme to digest them until 2 or 3 years old, and that eating them early causes allergy. Well, I guess this doesn’t matter that much as well, since by the time I saw this information my daughter is already 6 months old and it is really hard to avoid grains until 2 or 3 of age when it is in such abundance in our diets. During all this research, I also see information not necessarily related to allergies, but it says it is important to introduce food at 6 months so your baby doesn’t develop an oral aversion to food. Then of course there is the other end that says to delay any solids until age one. Confusing? Definitely. The conclusion is, we have no idea what causes food allergies at all, maybe it is not even related to early or late introduction at all. A general consensus seems to be that if you are going to be allergic, you are going to be regardless. But I did finally make a decision for my daughter when solid time came; I went with the Baby Led Weaning method. I offered her whatever table food we have for her, and I let her be the judge and decide what she needs. I choose to not stress about what to feed her, or how much to feed her because simply I am not feeding her at all. Also, the best thing about BLW is that it forced us parents to look at what we are eating as well, and to make healthy choices. I will talk more about our BLW adventure in my next post.

Take Fish Oil During Pregnancy and Breastfeeding

From americanpregnancy.org: Omega-3s are essential for both neurological and early visual development of the baby. After birth they are also passed to the baby through breast milk. Taking omega-3 fatty acids during pregnancy also prevent pre-term labor and delivery, lower the risk of pre-eclampsia and may increase birth weight and gestational weight. Omega-3 deficiency also increases the mother's risk for depression. The best sources of EPA and DHA are from fish, but many people are justifiably concerned about mercury and other toxins in fish. For this reason, purified fish oil supplements are often the safest source of EPA and DHA. Omega-3 from flaxseed contains the shorter-chain omega-3, ALA (alpha-linolenic acid), which is different from the longer-chain EPA and DHA. EPA and DHA are the omega-3s that the body needs for optimal health and development. While it was once thought that the human body could convert ALA to EPA and DHA, current research shows that such conversion rarely and inefficiently occurs. Fish oil is a more reliable source of EPA and DHA. Plus, Flaxseed can act like the hormone estrogen and can possibly be unsafe during pregnancy, even though to date there is no reliable clinical evidence on its effect. Another good vegetarian source is from algae, even though fish oil is still a better source since it is in readily available form for the body. However, fish oil can't be used to supplement infant formula because it contains other fats that slow babies' growth, and that is why algae is regarded as a superior source of DHA for infant formula.

I Tried Hemp Milk

So I am reading bunch of people drinking hemp milk on Baby Center’s Crunchy Mama forum, and wondering what the heck is hemp milk. Doing a simple search online, it seems like it is made from hemp seed, which is part of the marijuana plant, but yet it doesn’t have the psychoactive component of marijuana. I read that it is rich in nutrients and protein, making it a good vegetarian choice. And on top of that, it is rich in omega-3. However, the omega-3 in hemp is alpha-linolenic acid, not the more desirable forms (EPA and DHA) found in fish oil. But, hey, with all that controversy about how cow’s milk might be bad for you and how soy might disrupt your enzyme, hemp milk seems to be a safer choice. Enthusiastic about all this good research, I decided to buy and try it. I am recently also interested in a rotation diet, and this seems like a good additional choice to rotate between my consumption of dairy, soy milk, and coconut milk. People seem to describe it as having a nutty creamy rich taste. But bad news, it is definitely not to my taste. One sip and I feel like spitting it back out already, and then the after taste was horrible as well, I had to force myself to finish my remaining cup without throwing it up. I am really disappointed in not being able to make this part of my normal drink choice, as it really sounds like a healthy choice. I read many people love the rich taste, but I guess my taste bud is not meant for it. Tomorrow I am going to go to the store and try to buy some chocolate powder or syrup and try to mix it in to see if I can finish the remainder comfortably.

Update: Actually, a second try of the hemp milk without chocolate and the taste has become much more tolerable now, I guess this is something you could get use to. However, I probably won't buy more of it since I am still not crazy about the taste.